A pre-delivery surgery story

Well here is a post I never posted! Life got a little crazy: here is a preview of our delivery story as written a couple days before my c section. I will update about the actual surgery and life as a new mom in between snuggles and feedings and naps:)

Yesterday I had my 39 week check up. It was seemingly normal- I waited in the office for forever, peed on a stick, had my weight taken, stuck out my arm to have my blood pressure checked, told them I'd been having light contractions that were waking me up at night and lots of cramping, heard the heart beat, had my stomach measured, and settled in to be checked. For anyone whose had a baby before, you know being checked is not a most pleasant thing. This was the second time I was being checked.  The first time at 38 weeks, was uncomfortable but fast; the doctor felt and said I was 1cm dilated and 60% effaced and that he felt the head.  This week the doctor took a little more time- "still 1cm, about 50% effaced, hmmm...that feels awfully soft", keeps feeling "awfully squishy".  I laid back gritting my teeth and squeezing my eyes shut hoping she was almost done and wondering what soft and squishy meant- was my cervix soft? Is that a good thing?  Then she told me she was pretty sure what she felt was not a head but a butt and that she wanted to grab the hand held ultrasound monitor to be sure. 

What? They've been telling me for weeks he is head down. I've been pushing on his "butt" as it juts painfully out of my upper right abdomen. Last week they even said they felt the head! What do you mean breech?

But the ultrasound confirmed it; our little guy has successfully dropped his booty way down in my pelvis instead of his head! I guess he doesn't like the thought of hanging upside down for weeks on end any more than any of the rest of us. 

When she told me we would need to schedule a c section for 39 weeks (this was my 39 week appointment mind you) I felt a bit lost. Where is my husband? I just need him to be here to help take this all in. I've been operating under the assumption that I could go into labor anytime, prepping mentally for contractions and labor and pushing. A c section? On Monday? 

I left in a fog, called Ryan and told him the facts before I started crying. The drive home felt like an eternity. I can't really explain how I felt. I know there is a lot to be thankful for here- modern medicine gives us safe ways to deliver breech babies, I found this out in time to schedule my c section instead of laboring and discovering last minute that I would be going in for an emergency c section, I won't be going past my due date or have to worry about induction, we know that we get to meet our little guy Monday, and I don't have to go through labor.

And yet that's the part I felt kind of sad about too. When she told me I felt overwhelmed and completely caught of guard, and scared because it is surgery, and sad.  Sad like I would be missing out or something. As much anxiety as I've felt about labor, I had started having false labor at night this past week, and it was exciting to think this could be it, exciting to think that when I do go into labor my body has to work hard but what a reward to hold my baby boy. I know to every mom who has ever labored for hours on end that probably sounds crazy, but I had imagined it one way and it was not going to be that way, not even close.  In my head it felt much less dramatic and exciting to go in for surgery and be handed my baby than to push and push and be handed my baby.

But it's not less exciting! On Monday morning I will go in for surgery and be handed my baby boy for the first time, and our lives will be forever changed!

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3

Attitude Adjustment- God is Good

I have been quite whiny and negative lately- my body hurts, and I am tired and uncomfortable and hormonal and emotional. My attitude and my perspective have been poor.  Today God reminded me through a blog post that a year ago, I was fatigued and nauseous and in a lot of pain and at the same time trying to be content with the possibility that I might never be pregnant and the possibility that I might always be sick and fatigued and in pain because having babies and good health are no guarantee on Earth.  Thinking back, I can't believe how sick I was, and for seemingly no purpose, and I remember looking at all of the pregnant women around me and having little sympathy on their pregnancy woes because I would have given anything to be morning sick or ready-to-pop-uncomfortable instead of being sick and being not pregnant.  And here I am about to have a baby!  I haven't stopped and really thanked God for that lately, but it really is a miracle.  I mean new life and pregnancy are a miracle for the healthiest of women, but I remember thinking back in September when I was about as sick as I'd ever been, that the thought of having life inside of me felt impossible because my body seriously felt like death.  So the lack of sleep, and the achy back and ribs and hips, and the nausea and discomfort are a true blessing, and whether he is here in a few days or 5 weeks (Oy! I hope it's not that long), I am thankful that my pain and my sickness are for such a noble and miraculous purpose right now, and I cannot wait to meet that purpose!

Psalm 16:6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

Baby's Room

Updated picture of the baby's room since I finally talked Ryan into hanging the prints and mobile that my sisters made for our little guy! Feeling really ready to have a baby in my arms instead of my belly!

Nameless Update (because sometime you just can't think of a title)

Sometimes writing about life comes easily, but sometimes life feels like such a whirlwind that writing about it feels, well, a little overwhelming and confusing. That's kind of how life has felt recently, like a whirlwind.

We've had lots going on for starters- lots of tangible life events stacked one right after the other- birth classes, cookouts, my sister's graduation and moving her to a new state for a new job, high school graduation, visits from out of state siblings, baby showers-for me and for others, Mother's Day, and etc. And then there has just been a lot to physically done- at home, for the baby, with my husband and our families, for other people who are having babies, at work in prep for maternity leave, at Ryan's work because for some reason his work decided to be really busy right now, and etc. 

And then finally, my head just sometimes feels like a scary, messy, tornado of a place. Sure some of it can certainly be blamed on pregnancy and hormones but I think my thoughts tend toward the messy anyway- maybe that's why I feel so much need for organization in other areas of my life!  It's like all of the practical thoughts start swirling with all of the emotional thoughts and sometimes the result is that I don't even know how I feel or how I should feel or how I should want to feel. Does anyone else ever feel like that or am I on an island of crazy?  It's like my own thoughts start to overwhelm me and I feel like I am in agisnt game of tug of war that's taking place in the middle of a tornado, AND I'm the rope! One minute I feel steady and stable and equipped and excited about life and changes and friendships that God has given me and the next I feel utterly overwhelmed and anxious and weird about relationships like I'm failing or disappointing people and I just feel sad (sometimes I'm not even sure why). I know that much of this is because my hormones are throwing a crazy, all-out rave in my head and my emotions are taking the brunt of the abuse, but I'm learning too how much I still wrongly need the approval of others in my life. I thought if worked through a lot of thst, and (by Gods grace) I have, but it's still there-that striving to be enough, to measure up. It leads to a lot of pointless striving in my life and then usually to a lot of bitterness. Bitterness that people would expect so much of me and be disappointed with me even when I've done my best (and yes I realize that most of the time I perceive these expectations and disappointed and that they don't actually exist).

So anyway, that's how life has been- good, exciting, fun, encouraging, emotional, confusing, overwhelming, and hormonal. Haha! For all of you moms and expecting moms out there feel free to chime in and tell me I'm normal:)

I guess I will end this post with a few pictures (maternity pictures taken by my little sister Lyndi):

34 weeks

A little glimpse of baby's room behind me

36 Weeks